Another spiritual death.

Our physical existence is about experience. We have the capacity to choose exactly what we want to experience, as such our physical existence is a reflection of who we are spiritually. Our desires come from who we are at soul level. It’s not something that can be taught, we just like what we like. As we exist in a world with an infinite amount of choices, it seems so ironic that as spiritual beings we most often chose the things that do not express who we are. The more self aware we become the more we must express that awareness through choice in our physical existence. Otherwise we can expect to experience great disharmony. The more we know ourselves and continue to not act on that knowing, we begin to experience the opposite polarity. 
I’ve noticed that in my own life when I feel myself beginning to get swallowed up by the outside world and seeking to be something I’m not…even in the spiritual community, I’m forced in a situation where I have to retreat. I call these my death experiences. Right now I’m going through one which is why I’m writing. My life is turned upside down. Nothing is going as planned. I’m being forced to be still. I’ve had a series of health issues, job issues, everything that could go wrong HAS gone wrong. I’ve spent countless nights balled up crying. Snapping at the drop of a dime. My fuse is short and the walls feel like they’ve caved in on me. I’m experiencing my own internal battle because I feel that with all my spiritual knowledge of how we create our experience, that I shouldn’t be experiencing this. Why have I created this for myself? The truth is, self mastery takes discipline. It’s one thing to know the path, actually applying it growing and never looking back is a different story. 

I feel like I’ve been on the path to mastering something I’m not.
I’ve realized that I’m a perfectionist and I hate to look like I don’t have it all together. In my spiritual development I feel like I’ve tried so hard to appear to have it all together when in all honesty I don’t. I’m a wreck. I don’t know what spirituality is supposed to “look” like for me but I know that every time I have these death experiences I’m drawn back to studying the mind in some way shape or form. Whether that’s via shamanism, Buddhism, or psychology I know that my path deals with objectivity. If that makes any sense. I feel the world, I understand why people do “bad” things. I don’t believe in concepts of good and bad everything just is…just is according to our programming. I do a lot of observing. Sometimes I feel deeply connected and that I have a ton of spiritual wisdom, other times I feel completely lost. I feel like there is something deep within me, deep within my mind that I’m supposed to share with the world but I don’t know what it is. There is a flame lit that I can feel, it’s dim but I feel the heat from it but I can’t see it. 

Writing is my therapy and I appreciate those who take the time to read what I’m going through. You reading this, you give me strength in knowing someone is listening. Knowing that I can cry, curse, kick and scream and someone will listen. I am truly thankful and I hope that in my ramblings you may find something you needed.