After 20 minutes of listening to my inner critic, I decided to stop listening an start observing. It wasn’t until I started observing that I realized my inner critic was even talking to me. There have been some serious and rather traumatic events that have transpired in my life over the course of this year. (Hence my absence) It seems like everyday I have fallen victim to my own self inflicted spiral of negativity. I don’t know about other people but my mind is truly a deep dark abyss…probably why I have Saturn in the 12th house. I can easily find myself in a slump of depression, unable to get out of my own mind. It seems like it would behoove me to practice meditation daily and I do try but oftentimes I do forget to. One of my most greatest challenges in this life will be to master my mind because it has mastered me for 26 years of my life.
So what happened today…
One thing (nothing major) didn’t go my way and suddenly an entire slew of negative thoughts were being hurled at me. To be more specific, it was about my relationship partner. He and I have gone through so much over these past few months and I began to wallow in negativity once again. So it began: “well, what is he doing for you…why are you putting up with this…he needs to be doing more…etc…” At first I was listening, it was sinking in. I felt my mood slowly declining. Suddenly I didn’t feel like speaking or even looking at him. I was upset and for what? Because my mind told me to? He didn’t realize what I was actually upset at but he didn’t feed into my mood at all. He smiled and joked around. Finally I felt like I was coming back to my senses. Then it hit me. Ok you’ve said all these negative things but what IS he doing for you…right now?
A person can only do what they can. How do you know he’s not doing his best? Your version of best and his version may be totally different. Instead of focusing on what he ISN’T doing. Appreciate what he IS doing.
It’s so easy to allow ourselves to be blinded by darkness that we don’t even think to turn on the light. We always have the ability to find the light in every situation but darkness is easy, and when that’s all we know…it actually is our comfort zone. Our ego will protect that zone by redirecting our attention to it when something or someone threatens to push us beyond it. Which is why we second guess love in the first place.
When you feel yourself slipping into a downward spiral, don’t force yourself out of it, those feelings are valid. Honor them. Maybe even talk about them. But, do not allow them to consume you. Breathe and observe. Remember to also honor all the good that is happening right here, in the now.